Frontierville Addiction Therapy

Twitches? Stuttering? Cold, clammy skin?

Yes, I fear you're suffering from a Frontierville addiction and are currently having withdrawal symptoms due to the problems in the game.

Well, we here at Frontierville Express are here to help! We've created this handy list of things you can do in your everyday life to ease the pain and suffering of not being able to get in the game.

Each task has three levels. For minor addiction simply complete the main action, for medium addiction also complete the "added realism" section... and for critical addiction use the "ultimate realism" section as well. Some sections require the help of at least one assistant and will be marked with (A).

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Prepare your family - Insist on dressing your spouse and children for the day ahead.

For added realism - Change their hairstyles and colour.

For ultimate realism - Acquire a degree in plastic surgery. Subtly alter their facial features, ears and eye colour for aesthetic value.

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Build a cabin - Due to planning restrictions, difficulty and time we suggest the cabin is made from Lego (other building blocks are available). This will also give a realistic level of customisation as you can change all fittings and the wall colours to fit your homestead theme.

For added realism - Knock on your neighbours doors and request Lego bricks to finish your cabin. Once you have 5, stop and try again in 8 hours.

For ultimate realism - Ask them to pass the Lego brick through a closed window, allowing you to see the building material you need but not actually get it.

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Visit neighbours - Enter your neighbours back gardens and do five things they might want doing.

For added realism - be sure to remove any cacti, skulls and other debris. They'll love you for that. Ignore any signs suggesting this may not be what they'd desire, these were obviously left there since before the debris took over.

For ultimate realism - Take something made of cloth from their clothesline. Please note that the neighbour's reaction, newspaper coverage and bail amount will vary wildly depending on what was taken.

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Experience Issues - Every now and then stop, close your eyes, wait for about two minutes then open them again to "refresh life".

For added realism (A) - Have an assistant put back anything you've moved and undo any work from the last five minutes.

For ultimate realism (A) - Hire an old man to jump out from around a corner and loudly state to your face "Blasted Life just went quiet on me!" For the morale and self-worth of the assistant we ask that you do not use a deaf old man.

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Tend a pig - Purchase a pig (from a reputable breeder obviously). Every so often feed the pig and watch it grow. Be warned this may take some time to work, this is not a glitch, merely a feature of nature that, I fear, is not hackable.

For added realism (A) - Take a hard hairband, attach to this a small clip with a long arm such as those that hold table numbers in restaurants. Into this place an arrow cut from yellow cardboard. Every six hours have your assistant place this on the pig to remind you to feed it, removing it directly afterwards.

For ultimate realism (A) - Have your assistant throw coins, cardboard stars and a packet of bacon at you randomly when feeding the pig.

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Grow tomatoes - Purchase some tomatoes and place somewhere in your garden. Water every fifteen minutes.

For added realism (A) - Every now and then when watering the tomatoes have an assistant place a live groundhog in the middle of the tomatoes and clobber with a spade remove carefully and look after in excellent conditions, making sure it's being cared for well, ready to be brought out again next time.

For ultimate realism - Write to Zynga and complain that you planted tomatoes an hour ago and have tended them four times but they still haven't grown. Demand they fix the glitch.

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Canning - At regular intervals raid any nearby fruit trees, vegetable plots and supermarkets for food. Do not eat the food, simply store it while complaining how much you dislike doing it.

For added realism - When you have a certain amount of food, give it away.

For ultimate realism - Just before you have enough food to give away, give them a fiver instead.

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Clear debris - As a game-relevant option do not mow your lawn, simply pull up each blade of grass individually.

For added realism (A) - Have an assistant randomly spread rocks, flowers and the occasional cow skull into your garden when you're not watching.

For ultimate realism (A) - Have an assistant acquire a rattlesnake and  ██████████ your ██████ ██ ██████ ████ then ███████ ███ █████████ ██ █ ████████ suck out the poison from your █████ ███ █████████ ██ █ █████████ ████ veterinarian. (This tip has had to be censored for health and safety reasons).

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Have your hair cut - Visit your local barbers and request he cuts your hair.

For added realism - Ask to see his menu of haircuts. Pick one of a completely different colour and length (for added XP shave your head then ask for long flowing locks).

For ultimate realism - When leaving, take one of the barbers chairs as it's the last remaining thing you need to "finish your collection".

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Tend a mystery animal (A?) - Visit your local Zoo and beg the keepers for the chance to enter the penguin enclosure. If needs be, use words such as "lifelong ambition" and "terminal illness". If required take along a small child to use as the target. Once you're in, feed a penguin.

For added realism - When the keepers aren't looking attempt to place alice band-antlers on penguin's head.

For ultimate realism - When released from the police station ask if the penguin dropped any Mystery Animal Collectibles. Request directions to nearest alternative zoo with polar bears. Purchase Santa hat in preparation.

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Hopefully if you've completed all these tasks correctly you will be filled with the warmth of Frontierville and no longer feeling such crushing withdrawal symptoms.

You're welcome.

Dr Andy M.D.