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Andy's Workshop


Game chat and stories along with some articles probably for the more geeky among us,
all written by me, Andy.

Click here for my Frontierville Addiction Therapy Guide

Thursday, 3 March 2011

Frontierville Addiction Therapy

Twitches? Stuttering? Cold, clammy skin?

Yes, I fear you're suffering from a Frontierville addiction and are currently having withdrawal symptoms due to the problems in the game.

Well, we here at Frontierville Express are here to help! We've created this handy list of things you can do in your everyday life to ease the pain and suffering of not being able to get in the game.

Each task has three levels. For minor addiction simply complete the main action, for medium addiction also complete the "added realism" section... and for critical addiction use the "ultimate realism" section as well. Some sections require the help of at least one assistant and will be marked with (A).

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Prepare your family - Insist on dressing your spouse and children for the day ahead.

For added realism - Change their hairstyles and colour.

For ultimate realism - Acquire a degree in plastic surgery. Subtly alter their facial features, ears and eye colour for aesthetic value.

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Build a cabin - Due to planning restrictions, difficulty and time we suggest the cabin is made from Lego (other building blocks are available). This will also give a realistic level of customisation as you can change all fittings and the wall colours to fit your homestead theme.

For added realism - Knock on your neighbours doors and request Lego bricks to finish your cabin. Once you have 5, stop and try again in 8 hours.

For ultimate realism - Ask them to pass the Lego brick through a closed window, allowing you to see the building material you need but not actually get it.

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Visit neighbours - Enter your neighbours back gardens and do five things they might want doing.

For added realism - be sure to remove any cacti, skulls and other debris. They'll love you for that. Ignore any signs suggesting this may not be what they'd desire, these were obviously left there since before the debris took over.

For ultimate realism - Take something made of cloth from their clothesline. Please note that the neighbour's reaction, newspaper coverage and bail amount will vary wildly depending on what was taken.

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Experience Issues - Every now and then stop, close your eyes, wait for about two minutes then open them again to "refresh life".

For added realism (A) - Have an assistant put back anything you've moved and undo any work from the last five minutes.

For ultimate realism (A) - Hire an old man to jump out from around a corner and loudly state to your face "Blasted Life just went quiet on me!" For the morale and self-worth of the assistant we ask that you do not use a deaf old man.

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Tend a pig - Purchase a pig (from a reputable breeder obviously). Every so often feed the pig and watch it grow. Be warned this may take some time to work, this is not a glitch, merely a feature of nature that, I fear, is not hackable.

For added realism (A) - Take a hard hairband, attach to this a small clip with a long arm such as those that hold table numbers in restaurants. Into this place an arrow cut from yellow cardboard. Every six hours have your assistant place this on the pig to remind you to feed it, removing it directly afterwards.

For ultimate realism (A) - Have your assistant throw coins, cardboard stars and a packet of bacon at you randomly when feeding the pig.

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Grow tomatoes - Purchase some tomatoes and place somewhere in your garden. Water every fifteen minutes.

For added realism (A) - Every now and then when watering the tomatoes have an assistant place a live groundhog in the middle of the tomatoes and clobber with a spade remove carefully and look after in excellent conditions, making sure it's being cared for well, ready to be brought out again next time.

For ultimate realism - Write to Zynga and complain that you planted tomatoes an hour ago and have tended them four times but they still haven't grown. Demand they fix the glitch.

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Canning - At regular intervals raid any nearby fruit trees, vegetable plots and supermarkets for food. Do not eat the food, simply store it while complaining how much you dislike doing it.

For added realism - When you have a certain amount of food, give it away.

For ultimate realism - Just before you have enough food to give away, give them a fiver instead.

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Clear debris - As a game-relevant option do not mow your lawn, simply pull up each blade of grass individually.

For added realism (A) - Have an assistant randomly spread rocks, flowers and the occasional cow skull into your garden when you're not watching.

For ultimate realism (A) - Have an assistant acquire a rattlesnake and   your █ █ █  then █ █ █ █ █  suck out the poison from your  █ █ █ █ █  veterinarian. (This tip has had to be censored for health and safety reasons).

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Have your hair cut - Visit your local barbers and request he cuts your hair.

For added realism - Ask to see his menu of haircuts. Pick one of a completely different colour and length (for added XP shave your head then ask for long flowing locks).

For ultimate realism - When leaving, take one of the barbers chairs as it's the last remaining thing you need to "finish your collection".

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Tend a mystery animal (A?) - Visit your local Zoo and beg the keepers for the chance to enter the penguin enclosure. If needs be, use words such as "lifelong ambition" and "terminal illness". If required take along a small child to use as the target. Once you're in, feed a penguin.

For added realism - When the keepers aren't looking attempt to place alice band-antlers on penguin's head.

For ultimate realism - When released from the police station ask if the penguin dropped any Mystery Animal Collectibles. Request directions to nearest alternative zoo with polar bears. Purchase Santa hat in preparation.

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Hopefully if you've completed all these tasks correctly you will be filled with the warmth of Frontierville and no longer feeling such crushing withdrawal symptoms.

You're welcome.

Dr Andy M.D.

116 comments:

  1. Love it, you guys are great!!

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  2. To be honest I wasn't at the Police Station for that long after I went to the Zoo, so it was well worth it overall.

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  3. Andy, I haven't laughed that much in ages. Thank you!

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  4. My hat is off to you, sir.

    You clearly have far too much time on your hands... but at least you put it to good(?) use!

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  5. you amazeeeeeeee me! ROTFLOL!

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  6. i'M Only here as directed by the judge (husband), its this all Kitchen for me, i need to try to beat this addiction, for the sake of my children, thank you for your help in this embarrassing problem
    Regards
    Frontier addict

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  7. ROFLMAO!!!!!!! love the Lego bit :~)

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  8. I just finished the "clear debris from my neigbhor's back garden".. He loves me and wants me to do it again anytime he said..however it did require that I hop a 8 foot gate and defend myself from their little dog that "guards" the back yard, but I feel much better now. Thanks

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  9. like it may jus work i doubt it

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  10. OMG! That is hilarious!!!
    Thanx for the laugh :D

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  11. I think I'll buy the pig and watch it grow. That'd teach me to be more patient.

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  12. I now know what I'm doing all summer, Thanks!

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  13. My husband is building me a 'real' garden, so at least I'll get some sunshine while I farm. lol

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  14. Thank You. Very funny. You guys are great.

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  15. Nataša Tambolaš18 March 2011 at 03:38

    You make me laugh like I don't laughing long, long time ago! You are wonderful, but so creative also. Thanks for this!

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  16. This is so wonderful!!!!

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  17. ok i got a good laugh but i need my Frontierville back up and running NOW!!!!!!

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  18. LMAO... totally insane! LOVE IT!
    I need a little help tho..I live within city limits and can not have livestock (pig mission) what do I do now??? lol

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    Replies
    1. Roof or terrace garden? Borrow a neighbour's patch? be creative.

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  19. hahahaha. so funny

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  20. Will my HOA let me have a pig?

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  21. roflmao, now for a 12 step program.....wait a minute that would mean I would have to quit FTV....NOT going to happen. My family will just have to deal with my addiction. :P

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  22. This is hilarious!! Thanks for sharing, hey, they gave me 50 horse shoes for complaining today!! :D

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  23. Victoria Killeen10 May 2011 at 22:22

    Andy..your humour is inspiring..Thank you...

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  24. Any chance you could add a mission to your program that involves a saloon, l might be able to handle the withdrawals better??

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  25. thanks this almost makes up for not playing xx

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  26. Just did all that - just waiting for a new refresh - any tips Andy????? lol
    Brilliant - well done! Very Good!

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  27. I love this.

    Being addicted to Zynga games is pretty funny, especially cos' you aren't sure if you have an addiction until your other half shouts, "are you on that game AGAIN!? What are you even doing?!" and you can't wait to get home from work and log on because your peanuts have finally grown, or someone may have helped you finish a building.

    It's only the same as someone being addicted to XBox or a TV show so, for the time being, I am proud to be a Frontierville addict!

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    1. I figure, it is better than being addicted to drugs or alcohol, or some other unhealthy addiction.

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  28. laughing hard here. Thanks for my chuckle of the day!

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  29. Oh my lord, i can not breathe i'm laughing so much. This is brilliant, thanks for the chuckle x

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  30. absolutely loved it... great work..
    when can we see some more tips?

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  31. Brilliant! I haven't laughed so much for ages. You're sense of humour is wicked!

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  32. wicked sense of humour Andy im still laughing ty for a great start to the day xx

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  33. Brilliant! lmao!

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  34. Thanks so much this is fantastic have't laughed so much for awhile :)

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  35. Excellent! Really did make me 'LOL'!

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  36. LOL That is toooo funny ... needed this after seeing ... " There's a storm brewin' , for the 5 th time today. thanks

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  37. ty Andy!I really needed a good laugh after this day. You guys are the best!!!!!

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  38. ROTFLMAO!!! this to too good, I made my family come in and listen while I read it, they are all out warning the neighborhood now... LOL!!!

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  39. Andy, you are a genius! Now I can turn off the computer and visit my neighbors.......oh dear, maybe that's not such a good idea as I try to complete the 'Andy Quests'. Loved it :D

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  40. This is super. But I live in the country and do not have but 3 neighbors.. and they would not be happy. one has a gun and would shoot me if I went in his yard. he a bugger head..

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  41. You folks are great, you always put a smile on my face, keep up the good work and know i care about you all, have a great weekend

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  42. Thanks Andy- wished i would have seen this posting a few months ago. Except i did add "have dog follow you around while doing chores" :)

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  43. LMAO!!! Love it!!! Thanks Andy!!:)

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  44. Had to come back for a refresher. Can't get into the game, and all my friends are requesting, so I think they are in! Withdrawls.....reality, what's that?

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  45. yes it is funny and made me laugh out loud HOWEVER what it didnt do is tell me how I can get into my Collections to trade them in. For over two weeks now I have complained to SUPPORT twice about this problem and NO change.

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  46. Thank you so much, I really needed a laugh!

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  47. Perfection !! Funniest thing iv read in a long time. Your a genius ! xxx

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  48. Love it... And any time I get frustrated I'll come back and read it again....

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  49. You are sooo funny Andy. Just need to know how to ge myneighbors to help when they are asked (begged, actually) for the miriad items we all need to finish 20 quests at a time.

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  50. Nice!!! Haha I Love it.

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  51. Just found this,and now I cant stop laughing. Absolutely hilarious ROFL LOVE IT!!!

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  52. The mental images this induced were hilarious.... well done and am glad someone realises that "it is just a game"

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  53. Too funny, I love it! xxx

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  54. Thanks Dr. Andy. I needed a little help with my "reality". My son is working on my lego cabin and I asked if I could light his head on fire using a blue flame and he said no! I told him it was just a Halloween mask but he still said no. No help from him I guess.....

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  55. Thanks Dr. Andy you're doing great! Could you add a way to clean up our inventory as well? You can trade some limited items but I have things in there from tasks long ago. This would be awesome Thanks and keep up the helpful work! In case you don't hear it: you ARE appreciated!

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  56. Just love it made me feel better

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  57. wonderful, lol! bur I still keep having to ask friends and neighbours for stuff they either haven't got (so dont reply) or need to travel a while to get b4 they can send it to me

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  58. This is hilarious! Thank you.

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  59. LOL Love it xxx

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  60. Brilliantly thought out....loved it ROFLMAO

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  61. Tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard......hilarious

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  62. If all else fails....laughter is the best medicine. Craft 2 lips 4xs, 2 cheeks 8xs, 2 sets of eyes 20xs and the twinkle that belongs in the eyes must be requested from neighbors. Harvest 300 noses ( purchase in the market) Once completed proceed to level 2 and do these all over again 100xs. Happy Happy crafting!!!

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  63. OMG thank you so much, havnt laughed so hard in a long time!!!

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  64. ok, that was great!! but you should issue a warning at the beginning.. NOT to be drinking ANYTHING as you will spit the contents of your mouth onto the computer screen with the 1st few lines.. ;) thanks for the laughs.. and yes my computer is ok.. luckily!!

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  65. Thanks for the laugh with my morning coffee, it was great!

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  66. And once again Andy's work shop has made my day, i love these Andy, please keep them coming.lol

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  67. <3 ... i will go out in my real garden and clear some debris ... i need a haircut too... thank you andy ;)

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  68. Ha ha...absolutely love it...well done Andy :)

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  69. Wow, haven't laughed that much in ages, think I may try the tomato glitch lol

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  70. This was hilarious! Thanks for a giggle on a bad day. Love the groundhog realism and the throwing of bacon after feeding a pig!

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  71. awww, I feel sooo much better except all of the muscles in my body hurt, I don't get that from ftville...what did I do wrong!?!

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  72. Very amusing. I'll take any pioneer freinds you send my way. most of mine have quit playing.:(

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  73. Hilarious ....... haven't laughed so much in ages. Love it xx

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  74. u guys are a riot love it

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  75. Love,love this!!! Can't stop laughing!!

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  76. too funny....love it

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  77. Thank you, I think we all have needed this!!!

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  78. OMG!!! I loved that! ROTF. Justwhati needed at the moment.

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  79. I loved it! It's just like, but somehow wayyyyy better than the actual game!

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  80. ROTFLMFAO... we love it!!! <3

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  81. That was brilliant, so funny, non playing husband wanted to know what was so funny, but don't think he'd appreciate it really if he read it!

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  82. OMG Andy, I literally have tears running down my face! I just love you.

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  83. Help Andy
    I am so confused as to how to get sweet feed in frontieerville I have everything but sweetfeed and I don't know where to get it can you help I see how its made but I have lost the mission somewhere Hopeing you can help me


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  84. Haha, funny! But I'm afraid I'm far too bust constantly refreshing the screen to possibly spend so much as a moment away from it ;-)

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  85. Thanks! Actually just took myself on my own little mission. Got in my truck, drove through my neighborhood, sat at a traffic light, drove through the light (on green) tried to go grocery shopping, oh no! blasted internet done went quiet at the grocery store, they can not accept any electronic payment, $%$#%^^T&^ Went to the dollar store, they have all but one ingredient I need to make bread, do I ask for it, probably won't get it for a while, grocery store still has blasted internet done went quiet sign on the door! So here I am, no further in my quest then I was an hour ago!

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  86. Helpppp :) I lost a mission "The most stylin sheep" what I should do?????
    Please help
    Jade

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  87. I have to keep revisiting this. I always get a giggle out of it

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  88. LOVE this. Might be doing all of the above today as the game is acting up so badly for me.

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  89. Do you have a list of all crops, time to harvest time, XP given, coins received and Food received? Absolutely love what you are doing, keep up the great work.

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  90. Love it, great to read

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  91. So Andy, we gotta find another game!!! Do you really think they will come out with PT2? I hear there's a new game called The Secret Game....have you heard anything about this? [it's not out yet]. Hilda Rocker

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  92. Sandy Coates Kenzik2 May 2015 at 19:39

    OMG Andy!!!! You are just to funny.... On a serious note... Thank you for the tips to help me through my addiction... I was wondering what I was going to do...LOL

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  93. Dagnabit, I water the tomatoes in my raised beds every 15 minutes and used a boost on them but they still aren't ripe. How do I find my life "refresh" option? Thanks for the giggles, I've at least stopped checking every hour to see who's posting for what.

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  94. Thank you Dr. Andy I think I can continue on until the next cure is ready lol xxx

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  95. This is fantastic, thank you so much Dr. Andy.

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  96. Thanks Andy just what I needed I laughed so hard

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  97. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  98. Dear Dr. Andy.

    Um. I tried shaving my neighbor's hair but he wouldn't let me finish. I did manage to start shearing him, but now he looks kind of funny with a couple of bald patches on his head. He also seems to be shivering from the cold. I currently have him locked into my cabin with some small antlers glued to his head to cover the bald patches but he still doesn't look very happy from where I'm standing. Which is in his garden because he already cleared his skulls, rocks, grass, thorns and wild flowers. Any tips?!

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  99. Lets start all over again from the beginning and give all of us a second chance to do the right thing . some of us thought that the sights that gave us things items for the game was part of the game we did not know that you could not get help with the game in that way, for some of us are not very smart . and I do not know what third party means and so if they are offering items that go with the game I thought it was ok . I still do not know what third party means .So get rid of third party if they are the problem and not the people that is trying to play the game .So lets start at the beginning and name the game : Second Chance Frontierville / (or) Second Chance Pioneer Trails / Thank you very much Andy Victoria Peterson email:cuddlebear2012@live.com

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